my heart is an open palm, exposed and raw
In my land of bright lights you are effervescent -
Overwhelming at once, I am oblivious the next.
You are the palpable product of words I never meant,
Of clouded judgement, infinite dreams; my sweet Regret.
My conscience weighs you down and embeds you
Somewhere in the murky depths of this sepulchral soul.
Yet there is little want of redemption for what I do,
And you and your kind maketh the stories I never told.
Even now I would sing that I am yours, Yours!
As I believe you are mine in all your tainted forms.
Sucker as I am for your taste, touch and allure,
The beauty of folly is not weeping when all else mourns.
So this is an ode to my ill-fated penchant for
Secrets I have to keep, and everything that
I loved to hold but not to possess.
That I wish to forget, but forget to regret.
Friday, September 30, 2005
blogger's still screwed i see well who gives a damn lar. tuition ended half an hour ago and im kinda tired already. feel like going to sleep again but no i cant i cant i cant DAMNIT promos SCREW YOU LAR :(
teen angst, you see.
i have so much to do and there's like less than two more days to the second paper. i need to remain calm. i really wanna go somewhere else to study but im afraid i'll get distracted but i do need a change of environment. im one confused child. i need another surprise deliveryy :(
right right it will all be over someday. SOMEDAY.
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10:32 PM;
Thursday, September 29, 2005
i know i should be mugging but i have to blog about this. my darling mother jes gave me a huge surprise to encourage me! :):):)
jes when i was bored and hugry and pissed off with that stupid primary school beside me for making so much noise, my doorbell rang. then i became wary and all that because i dont like anonymous visitors. so i tried to like tip toe to the door and see who's there. and IT WAS THE PIZZA MAN. damn shocked lar because i obviously didnt order pizza. but i decided to open the door cuz the pizza man cant really be dangerous. i thought he mistook the address or something but then the first thing he said was 'are you miss cheryl'. damn right i am and i discovered mommy made a surprise delivery for me from her office!! all paid for! :D and all i had to do was sign and EAT. hur hur she ordered like the spicy wings, garlic bread, some star potato fries and PIZZA and MEAT BALLS swimming in cheese. I LOVE MY MOMMA. so here i am relishing my meatballs and im gonna attack the rest later. right okay im done with this so its back to the history. im so motivated to study now. i love love love my mommy!! :D
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9:34 PM;
wow blogger sucks. the icons on the top of this typing space are all messed up wat the hell. im feeling so tired, like brain-drained even though i havent studied much. DAMNIT. keep wanting to sleep whyyyy. :(
i feel like crap. promos get the hell out of my life.
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12:36 AM;
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
hrmm blogging the night before my first promo paper hurrr im like the most hardworking student in the whole wide worlddddd :D
really do not know how to respond to tomorrow except it feels rather sudden, like a slap in the face. perhaps after tomorrow i shall be motivated to study, save for the fact that *ahem* promos is less than a week away. well everything's so uncertain now, like how i really wanna do my econs s paper but then i feel like i cant really manage four subjects already what more with an additional paper that's supposedly the worst of all the s papers that are offered to the arts students. at least that's what jon says, but i do believe to each has his own so yeah I DO LOVE ECONS YOU KNOW. :(
heh im gonna drop origins of the cold war so that's one hugeee load off my back. i love ms goh!
i am going to remain placid and composed, conquer tomorrow's paper and come back smiling like an idiot :D okay perhaps not an idiot since im supposed to have pwned geepee hurr. we'll see tomorrow.
nites*
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9:28 AM;
Monday, September 26, 2005
fatigue is taking it's toll on me. i slept at four playing the guitar last night. can you believe it, playing guitar when i should have been mugging :( this does not bode well. woke up at twelve attempted to study but went to sleep again until two. shit lar promos start on wednesday and im still so lackadaisical about everything. ha ha okay now im reminded of yani. and stupid girl, i dont care i still think my pencil case is cute. yesterday someone said its cute too so YES ITS CUTE :P
i really dont wanna go to school tomorrow, if not for history and lit. right i so hate exams. friday the seventh oh where art thou????
geepee is freaking me out. i feel so unprepared. the last time i wrote an essay was like, two months ago i think.
skin's kwite horrid now but im going to doctor roy's later. and i'm so gonna get teased by him because of that fateful day at borders. of all the people i had to meet him. BUT im not guilty of anything anyway so watever.
i love timmy i love timmy i feel like such an airhead. and dont you say something like 'you are one'. damn you if you did lol.
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3:17 AM;
Saturday, September 24, 2005
stupid bertie. he blames me for deleting his testimonial for me when he was the one who dared me to do it sheesh guys. im bored and tired and feeling really fat because i still have not stopped eating :D
mom's grilling salmon now and there's peranakan chicken with my favourite broccoli and oyster sauce!! YUMMEH aren't yall jealous?
jas: i thought i told you that time that i bought this huge box of markers?
hwee: let's go notebook/stationery crazy after promos heh. :D
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4:48 AM;
Thursday, September 22, 2005
really bored of studying so i decided to take picas of whatever dats on my table. yes i know not entertaining at all but at least it's better than math. right so now i gotta get back to it. SIGH.
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7:15 AM;
my fetish ha ha i sound like a nerd man
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7:03 AM;
colour parade! what'd i do without them?
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7:00 AM;
my messy table with my pretty pencil case. but yani thinks otherwise :( oh and, spot the poddy!
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6:37 AM;
gosh i feel so majorly depressed all because of that damned G.P. GEOMETRIC PROGRESSION LAR. :(
waiting for ben to come and save my math from its dismal state. i like all the topics after induction, but term 1,2's work jes shite lar. i hate it when i cant do my math!! i think ive said that like a trillion times already, but its truee!!! :(
sigh im stressed and so i've been eating. FAT DEPRESSED FUGLY HEADACHEY AND PMSING ME.
but well at least i have God :)
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3:41 AM;
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
came back really early today and ended up sleeping for FOUR SOLID ROCK HARD hours. geez and what happened to revision? gone down the drain with all my dreams (of the possibility of doing well). nah shall look on the bright side, look to God!! :)
eom is FINALLY done sheesh. but i think i did it in a much shorter time compared to the rest. i dont really understand, i mean its like 600 words right? no no not implying anything jes in case you were wonderin.
i feel like a pig because ive been stressed out and therefore eating like a starved refugee. okay that was mean but ya lar im eating a lot. point made. cant wait for all of this to be over, then fangsy bertie and i can go out! and kat petty and everyone that i've missed soooo much. hur they were saying i should go crash the open house. but i'll feel sooooo nostalgic. it feels like yesterday when i went for the open house all the way at mount sinai :( and stupid jing ming brought us around and daoing my friends all because he didnt know them ha ha. see grown up rafflesian guys are eeeew (BERTIE!!) but cute little ones are sooooo adorable. oh no now i sound like that paedophile that hangs around moelc macs looking at little ri boys in tiny shorts. hurrr.
i love my bombos! jes needed to say that. and HWEE HWEE, YAYAPAPAYA and PHOONIEBABOONIE too <3
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7:26 AM;
Monday, September 19, 2005
taking a break from complex numbers. wooh my brain's malfunctioning. in the words of chua zhi wei anslem bertie iggy wiggy piggy ignatius 'quite complex leh the numbers'. ha ha yeap totally encapsulates the nature of the topic eh?
*(mailto:*^@&@!#&!^@(!@&*(!@*#^(*&^
im tired.
ooh paragraphing.
HAHA alright alright. you know my cousin lost soooo much weight she's a gloriously skinny 48 kg now. AWSHUCKS. this is baaad the next time i see her i'll be the fatass. nah its alright, God dussen judge us according to our shape eh. you know what, I LOVE GOD. :D
im like listening to all my hillsong albums. i dont know but i think hillsongs totally pwns the worship industry, if you can call it an industry. never fails to get me revived. one day, i will make it to hillsong college, jes watch. then my chances of seeing my darling tulele will increase significantly and of course that hottie :D:D ha ha yesyes wrong reasons for going there. but you know im jes kidding :) it's called fringe benefits ;)
yesterday i blew a lot of money of stationery (but mommy paid heehee). well i have one of these quirks, getting an adrenaline rush from buying nice pens and markers and highlighters and paper.*hwee: you totally get what i mean right?* its kind of my way of motivating myself to study actually. mom used to say 'you think ur in university ah. even uni students dont buy stationary like you do' ha ha i guess she's right, but hey at least its only stationery. can you imagine if it were balenciagas?
ookie wasting time, break time's up toodles.
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2:22 AM;
Saturday, September 17, 2005
whoopsies update update! sorreh been really tired and unmotivated lately. imnotstudying. im not studying. imnotstudying. how. how. how. how. :(
mom dragged me out today for lunch and we ended up at home like in the evening :( and i watched hillsong dvd for like two hours then listened to chc's cross cd and my whole day was gone BOO. i dont know why i bought that stupid cd, but its like i have to buy the cd if i know how to sing the songs. um that applies for christian songs only. and im still rather peeved about being unable to get one song, sheesh.
have i mentioned that i'm fat? nah i dont have to mention it, yall prolly know already. seriously im a ball of lard. im getting tetchy and i wanna sleep but noooo i cant because there's something that should be damned to hell that's bugging me - PEEDARBERYEW.
yesterday's interview was so cool! the director was sooooo nice and he refused to accept our chocolates, gave us COMPLIMENTARY samples of the material we need (and generous amounts of it may i add), sent us to the mrt station and even wants us to come back and work as interns for him. cool eh? well sorreh im not interested in that industry so i prolly wun go and work for him or whatever. but i think mei and jamie may so yup good for them.
ha ha i type so childishly. dont see the need for grandiloquence in blogs though. so showoff. hurhur. and this is boring me again. i hate the com lar gives me nothing but headaches. alrightey im off. nighty.
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7:43 AM;
Saturday, September 10, 2005
this is really random, especially at this time of the night- or should i say morning, but daddy's buying home green tea mooncakes!! and im SO HAPPY! i sure hope he remembered i hate yolks in mooncakes. right its late and im gonna turn in. niteyyy*
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11:01 AM;
Thursday, September 08, 2005
jes had a glorious dinner of chicken fries coleslaw and a yummy butter bun. you know those buns which are simply sinful but soooo good? well they're my favourite and i dont care if they're oily and full of calories. i really wanna know how they make em. now im waiting for ben to come over for some math. today was rather pleasant, although i woke up really late. nono im not gonna disclose what time hurhur. really need to start exercising soon. perhaps this saturday. tomorrow's pw and i hope we'll have great fun. oh no i jes remembered we're ordering food in for lunch which means more oil and lard. ah to hell with that.
hmm im lovin wage theory, are you? :)
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4:31 AM;
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
right so now that i've calmed down, i think im in a better state of mind to blog. finally my room stinks less and the construction has stopped. Thank God. really, all i need to do is...calm down. im so irritated most of the time, with all the work due, approaching exams gah you name it. i wish i could drive because i love sitting in the car jes thinking withdrawing into my own world and thinking about whatever i want in that very place at that very moment. on the plane i was looking out of the window and thinking about how the world looked like God's canvas and i fantasized about how he would draw on it and add dashes of green and blue here and there, and 'it was good'. ha ha and also how orderly the roads actually look from the top when you actually get down to it, it looks like shit (talking about bangkok hurhur). anyways bangkok is beautiful, not in the breathtaking sense of the word, but like mersmerizing. all its sounds, smells and sights, simply intoxicating. perhaps i havent been travelling for sucha long time, that's why. mom says we might go again after pw is over, or we'll go to perth (YAWNNN). i should count my lucky stars to tell the truth. ive learnt to be more humble now. i kinda watched this movie before i left for bangkok that was so heartbreaking. its called 'beyond borders' with angelina jolie (yes you expected that didnt you?) and its about those stuff that i love, aid for third world countries and stuff. i really should work for the UN huh. yup and i saw this scene of the baby that looked REALLY scary but so dreadfully sick i almost cried. (there she goes again) sorry pardon my randomness and bracketing i really dont feel like writing for aesthetic appeal or whatever you call it because right now i really dont care what people think of me. ogay back to the show, yeah it was so heartbreaking and coupled with my trip to bangkok where i saw how hard people worked and struggled, yeap i definitely am humbled. i know people usually say that they're humbled because someone jes showed them how there are so many more people that are tons more talented than you are. but i can't really find the right word to describe how i feel in my context. so humbled it shall be.
anyways i dont really feel like blogging much anymore. more of this after the promos + pw with sporadic entries as my refuge from market failure and government intervention, bismarck, napoleon, complex numbers, differentiation, geepee and the glass meneagerie (which btw, is a rather nice play) and chaucer and aiya i dono lar all the best to all you out there sitting for prelims next week. be it a or o levels. and all the best to me and you and you.
bye.
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12:07 AM;
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
i cant study!!!! my whole room smells of baygone and its giving me a headache. there's bloody noisy construction going on outside. HOW TO CONCENTRATE YOU TELL ME :(
anyways im back but i dont feel like blogging much.
to all who tagged: ive missed yall too!! :):)
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10:10 PM;
Thursday, September 01, 2005
hurhur in the boarding area now freeloading off the internet access. well im tired from lugging the damn luggage thank God its checked in already. gotta go in in about ten minutes. woot. right im jes bored. byeeeeee. love!
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6:32 AM;
bloody essay's finished! HURHUR im soooooo relieved because can u imagine if i leave for bangkok with an uncompleted essay i'd be skinned alive by ms tan man. well so now i can keep my skin! :)
leaving in about four hours i gues. actually i wanted to leave earlier to go for dinner but then i realised that business class serves huge portions on the plane so i decided to fast all the way till dinner. kinda making up for my broken fast yesterday hurhur. nah shall fast doubly hard when i come back :)
cant wait cant wait! i have a looooong list of stuff to buy but then i havent got it written down so i'll prolly forget something and then when i come back i'll start whining. so yeah i should write it down lar waddahell.
HAOJIN'S SUCHA SWEETIE. thanks dearie for helping me hand up my essay! what'll i do without you man! love yaaaaa.
until i come back, adios. take care everyone! *thanks angela! and i wont forget bout ur necklace!*
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1:01 AM;